Creative ways to commit suicide

No. No beating aroud the side or middle bushes this time. We are going straight to the core of matter at hand. And the matter at hand happens to be the one size fits all sure shot solution to any and all of your problems. No matter which race/ creed/nationality/gender/sexual orientation you belong to, you can always resort to this beautiful solution to all problems, the last remaining crumb of the manna from heaven.
Suicide.

And here are some pretty cool ways to do it in a fashion that will place you firmly either in famedom or in weirddom.

Do try these at home.

Creative way no:1/ The angelisa minerat way.

Contrary to what you have guessed, angelisa minerat is neither the name of a Rastafarian celebrity born to a Jewish father and a Muslim mother nor is it the name the students of Hogwarts have given to Hagrid’s private. Angelisa(beaut name, isn’t it?) is actually a leech like..thing that is rarely found in the humid Andes and never on the rest of the earth. Inorder to commit suicide in the first way, first of all u will have to travel to the Andes, wait around for an angelis to show up and then try to capture it. If you are still alive by then , come back home, and do as prescribed below.

Lower your pants and underpants. Shove the angelis inside your anus. The angelis is a natural born cent percent flesh eater. It will find its way through your liver to lungs and more all the while you will feel extreme physical pain the kind of which even a truckload of LSD wouldn’t do for you. Another advantage is the amount of blood that the angelis manages to squeeze out of your body. You can be dead sure that whoever comes to clean after you is gonna really really clean and remember u for the rest of their lives.

Warning: If you fail to shove the angelis up your lower opening and instead put it inside your mouth, there is a more than fair chance that the angelis would eat your tongue off and then come off since angelis loves our tongues and hates our words. If u do that all u would lose would be your words and not your soul. So, careful while doing this,ok?


Creative way no:2/ The spouse method

This is for those who are married. The rest can either skip this one or keep this for future reference.

Married people eventually get bored with each other. The only question is how long they get along with each other before it starts to get ‘so’. The figures vary. Some last two months and u may not believe me, but some couple do get by well without boring each other up to three whole months! Can u believe it! I’ve seen ‘em man. Yeah, it’s a strange world. I mean three who;e months…!

So as I said, this one is for those who are bored with their respective spouses and are trying to find a way out of this wed/warlock(as every married person is). All u have to do is kill ur spouse, then marry the next one. Eventually u will get bord with the new one and u then kill that one and marry the next one. Do this in a cyclic kinda hang and sure as cindy crawford’s big breasts, u will get bored with this process itself and due do sheer boredom u are gonna find some cute way to end your life, far more creative than anything I can come up with, ‘cause hey, its your life.

I did intend to write in a coupla more creative ways out of around 4000 I have thought up for u guys(straight from my heart with love), but I am having reservations about it now. I am gonna try my luck with the producers of the ‘Saw’ movie franchise. Maybe they will get interested in some of my ‘ways of death’. If that happens, u can catch the rest of the ideas on screen and if it doesn’t, well…if it doesn’t, all I can say is that this blogspot is gonna get weirder and weirder.

Peace! Happy suicide!

Quarreling Couples

Quarreling couples. Look at the stars!

Between groom and a husband

There is a long distance for a groom has to travel to become a husband and so to a bride to be a wife. Can either quarrel all the way or spend the time laughing together. A life partner is something one has to bear (suffer or enjoy) all the way. It is said that marriages are made in heaven that must be the reason why Hindus look at the stars to see whether it will work! If it works it must be the smartest way for selecting a partner.

Look before you leap or look at the stars!

In India parents of bride and groom approach an astrologer with a piece of paper in which the position of stars at the time of birth of their ward is marked, the astrologer compares them and tell whether the alliance can be made or avoided. This is a tradition going on for millennium. One may find it hard to believe that about ninety percent of the Hindu marriages are made as per the recommendation of the astrologer. This is done by comparing the “gruhanila” (planet-position. gruham is planet and nila is position) of the bride and the groom. There are online consultants also in this field.

Man the conqueror

Human being is an advanced form of ape and his basic behaviors are not in full accordance with that a refined society’s expectation. Male has traditionally got hard roles like hunting, killing, defending the tribe from attackers and conquering other tribes etc. The present form a family life makes him like a cat tied to a pole. Greater amount of self restraint and conditioning is required for him to be a successful home maker.

Woman the nurturer

The traditional role of a woman is to nurture the family members and in a family life she is naturally more at home. (It is another thing that she faces such challenges at work places which is her untraditional field). A home is to woman as cave was to an ape.

Her partner showing negligence in dusting and cleaning home- while she is busy at kitchen- is some thing a wife just does not understand. She is not aware that this man is programmed by god almighty to be a conqueror and not a cleaner!.

The prankster above

Leave the star gazing to the bachelors, to those who already married let us see how the way be spent laughing and smiling without regard to the stars. Human being was not programmed by almighty (who is a maverick prankster) as monogamous, but has to live so. When there is burning love for togetherness equal clashes of ego and individualism work for separation. The pulls and pushes god almighty plays, and between these dialectics live two individuals, we call them spouses.

The best couple of the area

One who had to pay a visit to a neighbor’s house was shocked to see she bathed in tears and he tearing his hair and cursing his fate, it was the same couple who won the best couple’s award during the last residential association’s meet! To the bewildered looks of the neighbor there was a shower of complaints from both. “This man is pushing me to suicide, he is selfish and cruel!” It was the accusation of the “best wife”. The poor husband says “my fate! I don’t know what to do. I have done every thing I could to make her happy. I am to desert the family, going somewhere to live and die in peace”, the best husband moans.

Welding the wedding

The incident given in paragraph above can take place any house in residential locality; quarreling couple is no news at all. This time it happened to be a local “best couple’s” family just add some fun same time exposes how painful the adjustment between two individuals can be some times. Financial matters, unfaithfulness, unrefined words, raking up past quarrels, sex, opposing view points, etc there can be innumerable reasons for quarrel. Without quarrel what thrill is there in a wedded life! It is said that quarrel welds a wedded life. Wedding itself is a sort of welding which joins two individuals to remain as one for the rest of their life.

A memory therapy

This is a true story of a computer programmer, immersed in his work for 24 hours; he had forgotten every finer things in his married life like birthdays, children’s education, excursions, social ceremonies etc. His wife as in every case nagged, blamed and wept making both of their lives miserable.

A million dollar advice – given free

It was her good neighbor who played the counselor’s role. The next day as a test case the wife telephoned him to bring a pound of sugar while returning home. As the request was in unusually sweet voice that touched some soft corners of his mind, he could not forget it as usual. When sugar was brought home the response was tremendous. She hugged and kissed him profusely for bringing it as well as for all goodness he had. The poor programmer- not knowing it was a therapy- was at first some what confused and thought whether she had gone ‘loose thread”! However he enjoyed her response. Her treat was not restricted for rest of the day but lasted till next morning! The programmer never thought a pound of sugar is that sweet!

Honeymoon returns

Next day while proceeding to work he asked her whether anything has to be bought for that day! That enquiry was her first experience after starting life with him. What to say the honeymoon long lost came back to the couple! The programmer was programmed to be a good homemaker. While he was living in celestial bliss, she was thanking the good old lady of her neighborhood.

Lesson “A pinch of sugar attracts more ants than a gallon of gall.